The Thaw Before The Spring
From January to September, the light lasts a little longer each day.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Apparently I just posted a thought that had no content. Excellent.
I love vague and hollow thinking. I'm fascinated with Buck 65 and the
way his songs depict the dirt under his fingernails and expose his inards.
We should all only be so honest. Rock and rave, save your sock.
My friend Paul Godin called me today from Montreal (Or, to those of you
of the area, Mount Royal) and awoke me from an afternoon slumber only
to pretend he was a sprem bank sales representative, fast-talking me into
some kind of 'increase your sperm count' type sales pitch and the funny thing
is, im pretty sure my landlady was listening in to part of the phone conversation as
she hung up from upstairs.
Even funnier is that both Paul and the landlady's son Matt are in my wedding
party. Even EVEN funniest of all is that Paul is French. Ha. French. That's funny.
I live in a basment these days. I reflect alot. Things are going well. I only fear the
worsening of things as days progress but somehow I have an ease in knowing
all will work itself out like a cloudy day broken and turned grapefruit sunny at dusk.
Sarah is stressed a fair bit. She struggles and fights alot of battles in her mind.
I love her like one other. I have tears in my eyes as I type.
I remember a time when I lived at home, with the folks in Ottawa, and had just
freshly graduated from university. I played alot of nintendo (nesticle simulated
on my PC), drank way too much coffee, played guitar loudly in my basement and
dreamed of better days. I really wasn't risking anything in those days. I was safe.
I think I still am safe to some respect but really none of us are safe. We tread this
thin ice called life each day with the utmost tiptoeing. I think the key is just trying
to understand more about the pond each one of us is on.
'Left fielder livin in a suitcase'.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Sometimes there are so many thoughts in the mind that one can honestly believe there is not enough room for them all. Where does that unused thought energy go? Into our sleep and dream life? Perhaps.
I think alot of times that the most unhappiest, unsatisfied people in life
are the ones who think they somehow 'got cheated' out of fun and
joy and excitement. Due to an early marriage or an unexpected pregnancy, they are upset and wishing for escape...reconciliation with the past...even freedom. I think this is natural for one and all to go through at some point. I'm 27 but I'm sure that when Im 34, I'll be pissed and regretful about 'some of the things I never got to do' or something like that. I think it's only natural. Life accelerates at an uncontrollable pace. We are riders of the rails, powerlessly watching the landscapes and sunsets of life pass by.
A guy, who was about my age now, died many years back - His name was Jim Elliot and he was 26 at death. He was a missionary. Talk about a lifestyle that i want nothing to do with, but he was doing it to the full. I don't really know all of what he wrote about but someone told me a piece of his writing one day. It was this; wherever you are, be all there.
There really is no tomorrow, to a certain extent. All the planning and setting aside and saving up we can do is really not all that concrete. If you are not living for the now, then what are you living for? What am I living for? Most days, Im planning for my wedding, in my head, with sarah, before bed, etc. but alot of the time I am missing out on what is right in front of me. My job at the church - My job and influence at the concert hall.
Think on it.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
lazy sundays. gotta love them.
jon is down visiting hicks dog. i hope their weekend is going swimmingly.
i love them both. that's really all i have to say. feeling kinda tired and
beat down. load up the coffees. got a QUEST service tonight at the church.
Friday, March 12, 2004
WHAT'S the deal with Hotmail? Really? I mean, it's my main email account
because im sorry to say that i don't have an internet account at the moment,
but it's always either super-dang slow or unserviceable. Why would I want to
sign up for a $30/year account? To put some more money into Bill Gates pocket
so he can keep robbing me blind and providing me with shysen email access?
Foolery. Total foolery.
Does it ever just occur to you how amazing life is? Walking around, breathing, driving
places...sometimes there is so much beauty in the simplest of activites. Sometimes
we are too busy sleepwalking through life, and focused on all that we don't have
or what we supposedly 'need', and forget about the awe of the here and now.
God has given me so much. I cannot even begin to describe my gratefulness.
This evening has a big question ? mark hanging over it because I have no idea
what sarah and I will end up doing. It would be nice to get out of c-burg, but we'll
just have to see. Life is amazing. Beautiful.
Take time to smell the wind and breathe it in.
Friday, March 05, 2004
'I'm still tryin to keep this time from runnin out'
So anyways, life becomes more complex than a woven web of weaving...things. That was intelligent. It's raining cats and diggity's today, and it feels like another shut-in day, where I could just drink alot of beer, eat alot of chips and watch movies. I don't know where Jon is at - he called me a few nights ago and sounded really ill. I hope he's doing better. I wanted to go and visit Justin and Cameron today but a 2 hr trek is really not worth it to just come back tonite. My parents are comin down tomorrow afternoon. Good times. My parents and Sarah's parents chillin out and just havin good times together. I have come to appreciate my parents more in the way they are 'chill' and 'lax' about everything. No pressure, no stress, pretty cool people. I think that is important for parents to support their children but not in a way that forces unrealistic expectations on them (most of the time in a hidden way) and guilt trips them into performing duties that the parents should do themselves.
DON'T...get me started.
The snow is almost gone. The rain is soaking into the ground, pulling the old hidden green up and out to the surface of otherwise brownish-black grass. It's amazing to see how fresh water can work such miraculous feats. It gives plants life...It replenishes thirst like nothing else can...it refreshes us when we cannonball into a lake of it...it flows...it bursts dams and cannot be stopped.
See any analogies here? God is often referred to in scripture as 'the living water'. I'm starting to see, like Paul, and the scales are slowly slipping from these hardened eyes.
Adam, Mike, Brian, Mark, Paul, Matt, and Jonny...lookin forward to havin you all stand on my side, men.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
'if you could manage me, i'll try to manage you because lately it's all I ever do'
I'm loving this mild weather, however, it only seems to indicate the old expression; 'in like a lamb, out like a lion'. I'm scared for the winterous turmoil that is to come. Anyways, Just rackin my brains out loud here.
I had this thought occur to me last night, as I walked home from sarah's house. My friend Garry mentioned to me, in our last meeting together which was well needed, something about wanting to 'call me to more' as a Christian. I thought long and hard about this idea. What 'more' was I being called 'to'? It vexxes me often times to think of how our society is so caught up on being called to more. People are categorized like data, according to their quantitative and qualitative properties. I think this is maybe moreso true in the Christian realm; be called to more, be challenged, do better, do more, love harder, become a better leader, be more open to criticism, be more like God, attain a higher level of Christianity.
In Don Miller's vw book, he talks about the big churches of North America; 'the big churches of this nation have gone the way of microsoft and IBM. Church Leadership conferences look more like corporate strategy seminars'. It's true, Don. I watched this DVD of a speaker from a Willow Creek conference and the guy speaking didn't sound a pastor moved by the heart of God; he sounded like the CEO of a corporation. Alot of his teaching seemed to be about bull-headed leaders and how you should 'do it anyways' as a leader, even if no one else supported you. I'm not sure Jesus would be so pumped about that idea. Isn't the whole idea of Christian leadership and community that you work as a team to further God's kingdom? Or is it 'plow on through like an asshole because it's YOUR vision and who gives a shit about what everyone else thinks'. Hmmm.
I think this whole weird idea of being called to more is all to circular and prevalent in the Christian circles of today. I understand the concept of a challenge and that 'open rebuke is better than hidden anger' but really, why do we continue to place such crazy expectations on each other? If someone is acting stupid or dirtying God's name as a Christian in action, OF COURSE you should challenged that. The grey area of leadership, however, is so weird and unclear. Instead of our motto as Christians being 'I'm calling you to more', shouldn't it be 'I love who you are; let's work with that!' ? I'm confused. I think we have taken a backwards step in our faith in that the Grace that was so amply afforded to us is often destroyed in our expectations of other believers.
At the heart of any challenge, there should be love, grace and painful care. Often though, what is at the heart of a challenge is 'this leader is different than I am and makes me uncomfortable in his/her style'. Come on, people. Work with each other. Just maybe we can make a difference.