The Ship Sails On
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh
It's early. Quiet. The birds have barely started their songs and I find myself wide awake on a morning where I should be enjoying the last embers of precious sleep before I hit the lumber yard for another day of upside-downery.
At the start of the year, I set out to write more. I set out to let the words out, and to loose them from the cage of my being on to the wild, sprawling pages of life. In some ways, I've failed in that endeavour. I know I've been busy, and blah blah blah, touring, blah blah blah, working full time, and more blah-dom, but that's no excuse. Writing is therapeutic for me, and I'm convinced that when I'm doing it often, it makes me a better person.
While bending my back amidst the many stacks of western red cedar and pine and cherry and maple, I've had a lot of time to think. At times, I find myself thinking of friendship and evaluating exactly what that word means. Sure - friends should be accepting, and understanding and always loving, but there has to be an edge to that cliff. Otherwise, we run the risk of continually putting ourselves in harm's way.
If someone continually makes specific plans and fleshes out dreams for you to be involved with, but then backs out...is that really a friend? Sure - we all have different paths and different roads to hoe - but enough is enough. After a while, you can only feel like a fool who keeps getting duped and falling for tricks for so long until you lash out.
I'm pissed off. I've got a screwdriver stuck in my soul. If I want to get vocal on my personal page about the things that bother me, but I feel censored, where else can I turn?
So much of this life is a waiting game. We wait. We tell ourselves that we are not going to, but we do anyways - because we believe that something good is coming down the pipe. We create projects. We look forward to shit. We make plans. We psyche ourselves up. And then, boom - the letdown comes. And that is true in so many ways. Not just in lost friends, but in everything. Disease. Lost love. Heartache. Suffering.
The hard truth is that we are only here for a flicker of a flame, and we can only outlast the wind for so long.
Yes - love should be free. I know that all too well. But sometimes, love needs to be tough, and this is one of those revelational moments.